How to Deal with Retaliatory Behaviors in Co-Parenting
While co-parenting is a challenge in itself, the process becomes even more difficult when your ex-spouse displays retaliatory behavior. It can be mentally and emotionally taxing to deal with parents who engage in vindictive behaviors, and the unpredictability can leave you off balance. Following are some suggestions for effectively handling a high-conflict parent.
Set Strong Boundaries
People with high-conflict personalities tend to cross other’s boundaries. Thus, you need to ensure that your boundaries are clearly known. It is vital that you do not respond emotionally when your ex-partner engages in behavior that will cause conflict.
You do not need to respond to your ex-spouse unless it is an emergency situation. Therefore, feel free to ignore emails and texts until you are cooled off and ready to engage in a civil conversation. You should know that you do not have to defend yourself or your parenting style to your ex-partner as long as you follow your custody agreement.
Don’t take what the Other Parent Says Personally
In most cases, high-conflict co-parents are merely projecting their personal issues onto their ex. Disengagement from the conflict is the key to dealing with their retaliatory behavior. It is a waste of time and energy thinking about their hurtful words. You cannot change what your ex feels about your parenting style. To continue, turn to other people in your life that you can trust for encouragement and assurance. It is quite likely that the conflict between you and your ex will become less tense when you refuse to react to their behavior.
Accept that You Cannot Change your Ex
In most cases, the stress in co-parenting situations comes from one parent’s inability to accept that the other person won’t alter the manner in which they think or act. Regardless of how much you want the other parent to get over their issues and put your kids first, it likely won’t happen unless they have the desire to change themselves. Once you come to the conclusion that your co-parent is only going to change if they want to, you will find it is much easier to stop trying to control them and to just concentrate on your own responses and parenting choices instead.
Protect Your Children
Some co-parents display retaliatory behavior and may be emotionally, financially, verbally, or physically abusive. If your partner or ex-spouse is abusing your kids in any manner, it is your responsibility to remove the kids from the situation immediately and call law enforcement to lodge a complaint.
You may consider taking legal action and consulting an attorney that specializes in this kind of family dynamic. It is crucial that the kids have at least one parent prioritizing and protecting their mind, body, and spirit. If not, such treatment can have an adverse impact on their development and cuts their innocent childhoods short.
What Not to Do in Front of Your Children
While it can be hard, refrain from badmouthing your partner or ex-spouse in front of your kids. Doing so puts them in an inappropriate and uncomfortable situation where they are forced to understand the situation well beyond their maturity level. Do not ask your children to pick sides and just continue to be the loving, consistent parent they can rely on. In all likelihood, with time, they will understand on their own how much contact they would like to have with the other parent who exhibits retaliatory behavior.
Enhance your Children’s Coping Skills
Your co-parent will certainly have some effect on the well-being of your child. In order to help your child cope with emotionally damaging or inappropriate situations, teach them about healthy ways to deal with emotions and be a good role model. This means that when your partner or ex-spouse says or does something that hurts your child, teach them to:
- Identify their emotions and understand where they feel them in their bodies.
- Speak to them about it and validate their experience using mirroring language, such as, “It sounds like you’re feeling…”
- Reinforce that you will always be there for them as a compassionate, non-judgmental, and consistent parent.
- Find healthy outlets for their emotions such as writing, creating artwork, and volunteering.
Legal Considerations
Ensure that you maintain a comprehensive custody agreement if you and your partner have split up. In situations such as these, it may be best to work with attorneys who can document the agreement rather than working with your ex-partner directly. This allows you to maintain limited contact. If your ex or current partner has been abusive in any manner towards you or your children, be sure to maintain records with dates, times, and behavior of your co-parent. Also, enlist what you did to maintain the safety of your child.
Your Children Deserve a Loving Home: Yours
Upon filing for a divorce, if you foresee a legal child custody battle in your future, it is imperative to understand that a qualified child custody lawyer can help you understand the process properly, so you can be relieved of your anxiety about the unknown. The compassionate child custody attorneys at Smith Law Firm understand that all you care about is your child and what is best for their life. We can help you get your life back on track faster. Call (334) 702-1744 today for a detailed consultation.
